It has been five weeks since I boarded a plan to Asia. The anticipation, uncertainty and excitement of that day are fresh in my mind as if it were only yesterday. Life happens in the blink of an eye and the line between reality and living in a dream is still a blur to me. Sometimes you need to pause, assess and evaluate it all to make sure you’re still on the right track.I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. Trying to learn and grow from these experiences, challenging myself to be a better person. This post is more or less a collection of thoughts written throughout the past week so it may be out of order and not make a lot of sense. But It’s time to go beyond the surface of story telling and share how I really feel at this point in the journey. It’s not exactly easy putting it all out there for the world to read… but this trip has got me in the habit of going with my gut and not holding back. Life is too short.In five weeks I’ve experienced a wider gamut of emotions than I have in my entire lifetime. I can only imagine what the next 30, or even 60 years will bring.I’ve come to realize that my first 30 years of life were spent coasting by—a comfortable existence shielded from hardships and trauma that many others face. There were times I was trapped in my own hell but it wasn’t born out of external circumstances, rather my own fears and insecurities. I suppose when there’s nothing to challenge you on the outside, your own mind creates ways to torment itself. This is why I believe the only way to achieve absolute happiness and contentment is to detach from your sense of self, the egoic mind, and become conscious of Being. This transition from unconscious to conscious has changed everything. It was the lightbulb moment as I read Eckhart Tolle’s words on the plane descending into Bangkok, and it’s what has allowed this trip to transform me.
In The Power of Now, Tolle explains:
“The best indicator of your level of consciousness is how you deal with life’s challenges when they come. Through those challenges, an already unconscious person tends to become more deeply unconscious, and an already conscious person more intensely conscious. You can use a challenge to awaken you, or you can use it to pull you into even deeper sleep. The dream of ordinary unconsciousness then turns into a nightmare.”Five weeks ago I reached a breakthrough, but that doesn’t mean I’ve got it all figured out. Quite the opposite, in fact. I’ve broken through to a new world with unchartered waters, and it’s much more vast than I could have imagined. I’ve only taken the first step, not knowing how wide or deep this new territory is and without a map to guide me. I know much less than I thought I knew before—only that I’m in a better place and can never turn back. Even with this enlightenment, it’s hard to reverse a lifetime of conditioning and sometimes I break. To be clear, everything I’ve expressed here has been exactly how I felt at the time. It really has been a series of blissful moments and I’ve been riding that high as long as I can. I thought that by removing myself from everything safe and easy and familiar, I’d be forced to become stronger, better and happier on a deeper level. And I am… without question. But I also didn’t expect to meet so many amazing people and spend every day caught up In a new experience. It’s all been one big distraction and sometimes I wonder if I’ve been using that as a crutch, becoming dependent on outside factors to bring happiness. Maybe I use these distractions so that I’m not trapped in my own mind, knowing where it can wander. Not feeling strong enough to prevent it from bringing me down. No matter how alive and happy I feel outside of these dark moments, they’ll always be there, waiting to creep back in—distractions won’t fix that. Maybe I’m not ready to feel complete on my own yet… or ever, and will constantly seek connections with others to bring happiness. It’s a scary thing, having to rely on others to fill that need for you, and as I’m writing these words now I realize it’s my biggest fear in life—the one I’ve always struggled with. Learning to be completely and entirely whole and content on my own.I think back to my old life and remember how easy a lot of things were. How simple it was. Everything was all figured out, I just had to continue down that path. I was much more certain of things back then, but it was all for a life that I wasn’t meant to live. I’ve never liked not having things figured out. I want to be the person who has it together and knows what they’re doing and how to do it. We all want this, right? But sometimes we’re so zoned into the ideas we’ve formed from a young age and the plans we make for ourselves, and we decide it must be the only way to live.
Sometimes one small piece of the puzzle changes shape and gently guides us in a new direction, until the end result is completely different than our original vision. Other times something comes along and shakes us so hard that we’re forced to start from the beginning, not sure of how to put the pieces back together, so we build a new puzzle. But knowing we’re in control? That is the best part. We’re in charge of this thing and can change course at any time, with just one small step or by starting all over. I scroll through my Facebook feed and watch as friends and bloggers transition into autumn, posting photos of their homes perfectly staged with seasonal foliage, gourds and neutral palettes. I wonder what my fall home tour would have looked like. I used to love this time of year. Pumpkins and apple cider and cozy blankets and sweaters. Yet here I am in the eternal summer that is Southeast Asia, drinking warm beer in a stuffy boat with strangers floating down a river that cuts through a foreign jungle land. Without the changing of seasons and their familiar routines, my internal clock has stopped ticking. I could end up forever caught in this state of existence, living day to day where sunrises and sunsets are the only benchmark of time.Last week in Chiang Mai, after four days of perhaps a bit too much fun, I ended up in the hospital at 5am the day my visa expired and I was supposed to leave for Laos. It was nothing too serious—I was back in the hostel an hour later with meds and spent almost 2 days in bed recovering. But It was the longest I’d been alone on this trip—my distractions were gone, and I broke.The mind left unchecked can wander into some very dark and painful places. I couldn’t see what was below me when I jumped blindly into this new world, but I knew I’d have to navigate it alone. It’s a strange and lonely place though I’ve managed to find the light that lives on the surface and stay above water. But sometimes the light disappears and I sink. On the way down I reach for anything I can to pull myself back out, terrified of going to that dark, unknown hole. But then I remember I’ve been there before. I remember the emotional pain that forced me here and the physical pain on the trek that made me grow stronger. I realize there is so much left to experience and discover and I know I’m just beginning to learn. Its easy to feel complete and whole at your happiest moments, but when those are taken away… that’s the true test. Those two days alone in my room were my lowest point on this journey. I still have a long way to go.I’ve been in Laos for five days now. The photos in this post are from two days traveling from the border down the Mekong River to Luang Prabang. This country is more beautiful than I had imagined and I can’t wait to share more with you. Until next time…
Alexandra says
Jenna, we’re not meant to be independent from others. Total self-sufficiency is an illusion but it would also be hell were it achievable (take it from someone who tried very hard to make it happen).
The greatest joys we can experience in this world all consist of communion with our fellow man. We are at our peak when we share love, life, and joy.
This doesn’t mean that we should cling onto others for our happiness. When we do that we are actually taking ourselves out of communion with them – we are trying to possess them. This is why it inevitably ends in disappointment, tears, rupture. But the problem is not that we are not self-sustaining enough. It’s that we try to hold onto and to own what can only be received gratefully as a gift and immediately passed on. Love must be a perpetual action of giving, it must flow out from us. The moment we try to hold onto it as a static thing it withers and dies.
jennasuedesign says
So very well put Alexandra. I’m learning this more and more with each day and it’s absolutely true. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Gail says
Jenna,
I happened to stumble on your blog today. As life would have it, I am under the weather from my hopefully last chemo treatment, and was looking for some projects for when I am well again. (You have some great projects). Having gone through many ups and downs over the years, there’s only one thing I am pretty sure of. You are probably too young to be familiar with this quote, but it has remained a standard from the 16th century, and bears witness to what I have found: ” No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were. Any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. ” John Donne. Your happiness will come from within you and from those you relate to. God Speed.
jennasuedesign says
Love it. Thanks for sharing and sending my best wishes for health & happiness your way Gail.
Rocky says
Your journey is amazing! Enjoying following along on your adventure. Wish I had the courage to leave it all behind and discover a new me. Just want to know…..what happened to Susie and Biscuit?
Ronda says
Hope you are doing well Jenna! Your journey is inspiring, and I truly hope you are finding all you need to feed your soul.
Stay healthy and I hope to read more when you can share.
Thank you!
Sherri says
Don’t forget about your fan base, Jenna Sue. Hope you are healthy, happy, and I know you are strong! I miss your posts! I am tired of all the fall decorating blogs. I need raw and real , and you have so eloquently provided that. Please post, my friend!!
Diane Taylor says
Jenna, your story is unfolding, raw and emotional and right at the surface. Keeping it real. We are all fighting a battle of some kind. My demons are grief and loss of my only child in one sudden moment, a moment I re-live over and over again. Your journey of discovery has me glued to every post. You have captured us all with your words and images.
jennasuedesign says
Oh Diane, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Stay strong. xo
Shelly says
I absolutely love these posts. Self reflection and realness. Your journey afar is reminding me some parallel key points in mine as well. Get it girl. Keep discovering and living out your fullest potential and conscious self!
Jennifer @ Decorated Chaos says
What an amazing journey you are on! Be safe and I look forward to your next post. You are braver than you know!
Jane says
Jenna, I stumbled into your blog through a fall decoration you had posted on Pinterest. You are beautiful and very talented, sweet lady. Minutes after leaving your blog I was reading from Breaking Free by Beth Moore and came across this reference that so vividly brought your travel pictures to mind: Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; you are mine, says the Lord who created you. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
I have been where you are, and that’s where I discovered the God who created me and loves me. You are precious in his sight and never alone.
MnJul says
We all need to remember that enlightenment is not a point we arrive at, but rather something we practice…daily.
Hill says
Jenna,
You are not alone. You are inspiring your readership, and we are taking a piece of you out into the world. When you wrote, “everything you want is on the other side of fear” it struck something deep inside me. I take that into the world with me, and it has given me power to overcome challenges. I think of you and your bravery and who I want to become.