There have been a million thoughts and emotions running through me in the past week since leaving Hoi An. I haven’t figured out where to start… do I focus on one thing, everything, or nothing at all? How much of myself and my life should I continue to share with the world? I still don’t have an answer… so I’ll do what I’ve always done, go with my gut. Do what feels right, right now in this moment. And right now I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Cambodia on a rainy afternoon, finally ready to lay it all on the table—to sort out what’s going on in my mind and hopefully clear up some misunderstandings for those on the outside looking in. I’m pausing this blog to clear the air, regroup and continue so we’re all (hopefully) on the same page moving forward.
Letting my guard down with some pure, unfiltered honesty here in a stream of consciousness. Please continue with that in mind. And grab a cup of coffee or tea… or wine depending on your time zone, as this will be on the long and heavy side.
There were some harsh comments on the last post. And I’m sure there were many more of you thinking the same but didn’t express it. I’m not here to defend myself or my actions, but rather to let you in a bit more so you understand where I am coming from. Not because I can’t handle criticism… that kind of criticism has no affect on how I think/act/live. I was sad to read some of your words but not because I took it personally (I know better after 5 years of blogging, it’s not for the faint of heart, especially when you open up). It’s because my goal—aside from documenting this journey for myself and my future—is to reach others in a positive way, to connect and promote some sort of knowledge or change for the better, even in the smallest sense.
There’s enough negativity in the world and it’s collectively bringing us down together. We’re the most advanced species on earth, evolving over millions of years, yet we are destroying each other in so many ways. From one negative thought or comment to war and genocide and everything in between. It’s heartbreaking because we are capable of rising above that—deep down we all want the same thing. I’m not trying to solve the world’s problems or become the next Mother Teresa, but I can at least hope to influence those around me and do my part to improve it using whatever resources I have. I’ve witnessed enough here in Vietnam in the last week to feel sickened to be part of the human race and yet so completely connected with every living, breathing soul at the same time. Behind it all, we are all existing as one—call it God, call it Being, Enlightenment, the Unmanifested or whatever you’d like. It’s there and it’s within us.
Back to Earth for a second… I’d like to offer clarity to something in particular that has been bothering me.
It’s important to remember that the stories I’m sharing, the experiences I’ve lived through and the decisions I’ve made have been through a very different mindset than I was in months ago. Not only because I’ve grown and changed as a person, but because of my environment. A third world country in Asia is different than life in America in so many ways. You have to adapt and change the way you live, which means making different decisions than you normally would back home. Some people travel simply to check a box off their bucket list or as a way to escape normal life. They stay in their comfort zone with nice accommodations, interact only with those they can understand and are familiar with, stick to the safe and well traveled/touristy sights, and leave satisfied, resuming normal life the way they left it. And that is completely fine. But I didn’t travel across the world just to see things I’ve seen and heard about from everyone else. I’ll find that too, but I want to go beyond the surface and assimilate into new cultures, learn from them, live how they live and feel what they feel. To actually understand them, which in turn will deepen my own understanding of the world.
Some of my favorite memories so far have been from these glimpses into a different life that we are so far removed from. Just like I want to connect with you, as readers, it’s equally as important to connect to those around me here—even with the barriers of language and culture and all of the unknowns. I am opening myself up to new experiences every day, then opening myself up to you to describe those experiences in the best way that I can.
Sometimes things get lost in translation and I can only blame myself for not being able to communicate as well as I’d like to. It’s a constant work in progress, and I appreciate you taking the time to read my words and trying to put yourself in my situation. I just ask that you read this with an open mind, knowing that I am doing the best I can and listening to my intuition—I can’t do anything else.
Here’s one specific example: someone made a remark about “accepting rides from people I don’t know”—I mentioned this briefly before but for those of you who are under this impression, let me elaborate. Transportation in much of Southeast Asia is nothing like America, or most westernized nations for that matter. You don’t need a license and certification to become a cab driver—you don’t even need to have a license or be of a certain age to drive, period. You do what you can to survive and provide for your family, and if you have a means of transportation, that becomes your livelihood. Anyone with a motorbike can be found on the sidewalk, offering to take you anywhere you need to go for under $2. Yes, you can wait for a cab who will take twice as long to get there and charge you double, but they aren’t any more trustworthy and motorbikes are the most common and preferred way to get around, and essential to everyday life here. Of course I’d never hop on a random motorbike offering to give me a ride back at home… but this is not America. Different situations call for different decisions.
On that note, so much of every day life here is nothing like what we’re accustomed to. What we know as logical scenarios and behaviors don’t exist in the same way here. Even in larger cities, much of everyday life is carried out based on individuals’ moods and emotions rather than rules and standard operating procedures. You can’t depend on law enforcement to protect you, or a problem to be dealt with in a fair and reasonable way, or even to be able to find something as basic as contact solution after being sent on a wild goose chase around the city for hours by people who don’t understand what you’re describing. There is no consistency, no guarantees. It can be frustrating when you’re used to predictability, so you label this foreign land as irrational and chaotic and dangerous. But for the locals, it’s all they know—and it makes perfect sense. Hundreds of motorbikes and taxis and buses and pedestrians converging into one intersection in every direction, inches from colliding yet somehow, seamlessly blending without incident as if orchestrated by some greater force. Motorcycles drive on sidewalks past newborns in baskets and even through retail stores (this actually happened). Families of four with infants are piled on motorbikes, no helmets, driven by teenagers, cutting in front of semi trucks filled with loose metal objects or bird cages or cattle and if this were to happen anywhere in America, we’d be horrified and call them unfit parents… but this is normal life here. We are all doing the best we can, the only way we know how. You can enter this foreign soil and maintain your stance, convinced it’s the only proper way to think and live, but life becomes much richer when you let go of what you’ve been conditioned to and see the world through new eyes.
Some readers have skipped over or chosen to ignore my posts prior to this, focusing only on the partying and dangerous situations and creating a storyline in their mind that does not exist. Please keep in mind that you’re reading a small snippet of what I choose to share, and reality goes far beyond what you see on the screen.
There have been speculations on patterns in my posting, shifts in tone, even changes in the types of pictures I’m posting. People have connected dots that I’m not even aware of—they don’t exist in my reality. It’s interesting and sometimes entertaining to read and I can understand why it happens… it’s human nature, no fault of our own.
I’ve learned that there is no right or wrong in life—only actions and consequences. Every action is a risk in a sense, with varying degrees of consequences. The actions I’ve taken have all been calculated risks, and I’ve been willing to accept the consequences before going in. Yes, I have been lucky so far, managing to avoid any permanent or seriously damaging consequences. But I know they still exist, and I will continue to balance these risks with the experiences I want to have and the life I want to live, always keeping in mind how it will affect my friends and family. It’s a fine line sometimes, and all I can do is rely on that inner voice to guide me.
We all have preconceived notions of places and situations we could potentially find ourselves in. We all have a plan, or at least an idea of how we’d react and the decisions we’d make. The truth is, reality is far more complicated once you’re in it. Even if you’ve never been in the exact same situation, place and time as someone else, we all have different backgrounds and factors influencing our thoughts and actions. It’s very easy to judge based on your own personal beliefs but it’s also easy to forget that we’re all making decisions we feel is right for us personally in every moment, and my decision may not look like yours—nor should it. I wish there was a way to bring you into this journey with me in the physical and mental realm—to be in my shoes and live in these moments. If only that was possible—then you would truly understand, and the judgment would no longer be there. Instead, it’s my responsibility to bring you as close as I can with my words and images. Clearly I have to work on that some more, but I hope this post is a start.
For the majority of you who have expressed concern for my safety in kinder words, I really do appreciate you taking the time to comment because it means that there are people out there who care—complete strangers that I’ve managed to connect with enough that they care about the well being of someone whose existence has no affect on them or their lives personally… but that means it does have an affect. Because we are all connected, and I’d love for nothing more than to strengthen and expand that connection to as many people as possible. It’s a domino effect—one positive thought or action can be enough to change someone’s life, and one life has the potential to change the world. As sappy as that sounds, it’s the truth.
I have no idea what the future of this blog will look like, or my own life for that matter. I will continue to document and post as long as I see a benefit, and it remains enjoyable and not forced. I’ve been keeping a separate journal of stories that can’t be published for various reasons… perhaps someday I’ll combine them all into a memoir to be published before I die. I think it would be a pretty interesting read…
All I’m certain of is that reality is anything you want it to be—and for me, right now it’s a crazy, beautiful, and wonder filled life. I often worry that my best days are behind me, that it can’t possibly get any better and that I’ll spend the rest of my life wishing I could go back and relive it all. But I think I’m finally learning to let go and trust the timing of my life. Even after 9 weeks, each day is filled with blissful “am I dreaming?” moments of pure happiness—but I know that it’s all temporary. Lasting happiness can only come from within. I’m not quite there yet but I must be on the right path. One day, one moment at a time.
Thank you again for dedicating part of your valuable time to follow my story. I’m thankful to be alive and a small presence in anyone’s life, and will continue to do my best to make it worthwhile.
Goodnight from Cambodia,
Julie says
Jenna,
I’ve read your blog from waay back….loved it then….and love it now!!!
I’m with Nicole….you do not need to answer to anyone.
This is completely your life experience….and I LOVE reading
every word of it! I check your blog almost daily hoping you will have a surprise post sooner than the last! =) I would LOVE to read your secret stories too!
You have such a gift of writing (among many other talents) and
you need to continue doing what you need to do! You do have many
who care about the person you are, and admire the fact you are able to
experience this life journey! Be safe!…..and take it all in!!!
Lotsa love & best wishes from Texas USA!!!
Ann says
Jenna, I look forward to reading your posts and although I’m not physically on this journey with you, your posts make me feel like I’m there. I’ve traveled to many, many countries, but have never had the opportunity to go to Asia. I’ve heard stories from friends and family that have traveled extensively throughout Asia and they echo exactly what you’ve said. It is a different culture and you can either choose to immerse yourself in the culture to get the full experience or try to Americanize it, which defeats the whole purpose. Enjoy your time, trust your gut, open your eyes and take it all in.
Here’s one of my favorite quotes and it is very fitting to the content of this post, “If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay at home.” – James Michener
Cathy says
I have loved reading about your journey. Could I do what you are doing, no!! I like the comforts of home. I have no desire to ever leave the country. But, that doesn’t mean that everyone feels like I do. I think the world would be a boring place if everyone was alike. Your pictures and words are something I look forward to reading. How amazing to be able to step out of your comfort zone and venture to places that are as beautiful as the ones you have been. It sounds like you are doing this for you. Don’t let others get to you by their mean words or possibly their jealousy. Deep down inside, a lot of people wish they could be you. Myself included. I give you a lot of credit to leave behind your home and go to the unknown. Life is short. Enjoy your journey. I have to agree with the commenter above. Your book will be amazing. God’s speen Jenna.
Rebecca says
I really can’t add anything more than what’s been said in the other comments. I do worry about your safety and while I may not make some of the same choices or decisions as you have they are your choices and decisions to make. While I may question it is not my position nor my business to judge someone for their choices. I have read every single post since your announcement to travel and I will continue to do so.
kathleen says
It’s your life and you are choosing to share it with us. Whatever decisions you are making are yours to make. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized judging people is a waste of time. Nothing comes of it and it just makes both parties feel bad. Please continue to share your life with us, I look forward to every new post!!
Deborah says
Wow, so eloquently said, I’m loving every minute of your journey and especially all the details, good and bad. First of all, it’s your life and you go for it. What is the ole saying ” when you’re old you won’t regret the things you did, you’ll regret the things you didn’t do”. So go for the gusto and enjoy your ride, however it comes, yes I feel so connected to you (and no I don’t know you personally), but I feel I do after reading all your posts. It’s a wonderful world out there and believe me I’ve been around it, and it just amazes me how many people have never left their hometowns and have no idea what they’re missing. You’re doing what makes you happy and experiencing things that some people only dream about. My one big concern is that you’ll stop blogging about this experience because of a few negative nellies and all I can say is PLEASE don’t because there are A LOT of us who would miss out on this great adventure you’re on. BE SAFE and keep us updated for sure.
Clue says
Dear Jenna
I think you’re a nice girl, surely full of life and willing to know a lot about yourself, the world, etc. We might be the same age. I’m french and you’re american, but we do share a lot. I loved reading your posts, a little bit “eat pray love” oriented but still. Your vision and sincerity are fresh and nice – I even understand your trying to feel and let things / emotions go through you.
But you cannot expect people to read your last story and not tell you to stop being an inconsistent traveler…
From what I understand of your writings, you’re acting as if it was normal to be different in another country (South Asia is different, you have to adapt)- but it’s not right. Men or human beings are the same all around the world, and you still can fall on some bad guy even if you’re the stranger.
After a few years in Africa, my parents taught me to always be careful and watch my back. After being in Latin America and being caught in a taxi that willfully led me to a wrong path, just because I was a woman and so easy to detect I was a tourist, I recognized the reality of this.
One of my sister’s friend died in Cambodia 2 years ago – her body was found naked in a river, after having been molested to the worse. It was a nice girl, and she just was unlucky, but so far we still don’t know what has really happened. She went for a walk, and never came back – just to be discovered dead like this. Please don’t try to teach us what reality is in South Asia – the reality is there is poverty, envy towards rich people (which is normal in fact) and that sometimes tourists are walking around as if it was normal to be a tourist in a poor country; or for another examplr, a car accident without a helm is still more lethal than with a helm, wherever you are. A bad encounter on the beach is still the same, whether in Africa or in America…
I’m surprised that you feel annoyed about the comments you had after writing this story … you should know better, don’t you? It’s soooo normal that people are worried, are angry even because your story seems a little bit unaware of what happened : you met bad people, and it was written on your face that you were just another american girl taking the 3d world to a wolrd dedicated to your own experimentation… it’s not just “another world”, it’s the same you live in, people just talk another language…. and our safety is not something we’ve been “conditionned for”. It’s a luxury – don’t take this for granted. That would be SO not worth it. Be careful, more than that.
Chloé
jennasuedesign says
Hi Chloé! I’m a bit confused as to what you mean by an inconsistent traveler. I evaluate each situation and take action based on what I believe is right in that moment. Each country, city and day brings a new experience and I’m constantly changing as well so these posts will not remain consistent, that is a guarantee.
I’m so saddened and horrified to hear about your sister’s friend. That is heartbreaking and terrifying. I’m also sorry for your scary experience in Latin America.
Many readers have no idea what SE Asia is like, just like I didn’t a few months ago, so I’m doing my best to create an accurate representation from my perspective. Poverty plays a huge part in it, of course, as it does in any nation. Yes, tourists are easy targets. I agree with all of this. My guard is up now more than ever before.
I wasn’t annoyed at any comments, I appreciate anyone who reads and takes the time to interact. I was simply trying to provide more information and context to clear up some misunderstandings. I am doing my best to communicate in a way will resonate with everyone on some level, which is a heavy task but worth the effort in the end.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment 🙂
Meredith says
I am a long-time lurker who doesn’t read comments or leave comments but now I have something to say. It was shocking when you left for Southeast Asia, but as I continued to read, the more I admired your ability to do what it takes to find what it takes to make YOU happy. I have wholeheartedly enjoyed reading about your adventures, ones that I will never take but by taking the time to read you blog, I am living me in an exotic place on the other side of the world during those long minutes while reading. I applaud your courage for sharing the bad as well as the good and said a little prayer of thanks at the end of the last post to learn you were ok. I hope you don’t let strangers making judgmental comments prevent you from continuing to share this marvelous journey that you are on.
SAB says
EXACTLY THIS!
What you are doing is truly amazing. It isn’t all perfect and that is life – thanks for sharing and I look forward to posts! 🙂
Jim Toner says
What a beautiful post, Jenna! My English 1A students are reading your I-Search paper from way back when, the one about revving up your car’s engine–and they’re loving it. Maybe I’ll assign your blog for them to read, too, just so they can break beyond their Tuolumne County mindset and touch the world. So please, Jenna, keep on writing and chronicling the outside and inside of your life. Keep on risking.
Michelle says
I agree with nicole, above. If you feel like you have to explain, you are still not living this for yourself. I have been following you for a couple of years now and enjoy reading about your adventures. I love travel and immersion into other cultures. Many times my husband and I are embarassed to be known as Americans because we find so many of them rude and narrow-minded. “Rights and entitlement” dont necesarily exist in many parts of the world.
Anyway, i have a friend that blogs and documents her life, and i often wonder, what is it like for her husband and children to know that their lives are constantly on display. How can you relax and enjoy life if you are writing a story for the world in your head all of the time and every picture taken is with others in mind, and how they will view it? I think this too has become a way of Western life, telling eveyone about our every move. It hasnt brought about more hapiness, only more anxiety. Do you see what i mean?
Obviously this is a way to connect, and maybe even finance your adventures, but it sounds to me like you could just use some time not worrying about what you are gonna say, or others response. Just live it….maybe LATER, like in a year, reflect and update.
I can almost guarantee you will experience things differntly if you leave us out of it for awhile!….but i’d miss the pics…what about a link to a photo box where no comments are taken? Hmmmm…
Gale says
Absolutely agree with this. We’re all so keen to photojournal our lives. While it may be interesting, we do lose a little bit of the moment. Be you without an audience for awhile. Enjoy!
Sandy A says
To me it is so sad people who either know nothing about other places and cultures in our world, or presume to be the moral authority of everyone’s life, are the people who have the loudest, most negative voices. Pay them no attention…what so ever! I am so enjoying your chronicles of this amazing journey you are experiencing. Your writing is beautiful and your photos, wow, they bring us to areas of the world we will never see. You are giving us a gift through through your blog. Thank you so very much for sharing this awe inspiring journey with us…
Jana says
Jenna, I was shocked to go back and read the comments that some people made about your last post. It always saddens me how quick people are to pass judgment (especially on the internet). Like T. Swift says, haters gonna hate. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to read all of those negative comments after you put yourself out there to hopefully inspire others. I, for one, am inspired. I hope you continue to journey and challenge yourself. YOU are the only person who knows what is best for you. Trust that intuition, we have it for a reason. You seem like a strong, introspective, and kind woman, and I love to live vicariously through your posts 🙂
Mary says
I’ll tell you this-I was an occasional reader of your blog before. I don’t even remember how I found it. But after checking in one day and seeing your were embarking on this adventure, I became a regular reader. What you are doing is amazing and I love hearing these stories. I’m sorry that other’s have negative comments but please don’t stop sharing! I am truly inspired by your courage to step into “another world” and live your life right now. You are gaining so much worldly knowledge and that is priceless. So thank you for sharing. I can’t wait to hear about what’s next. And I don’t care if you get on a stranger’s bike 🙂 But be safe and enjoy the time you have to step out there and see the world.
Mandy says
I think this was a lovely post. I am sorry to hear you have received so much negativity. I think you are going through something amazing and life changing, please don’t allow others’ negativity and passive aggressive comments to discourage this journey. Stay safe and keep soul searching!
Dawn says
It never occurred to me that you might receive negative comments on your last post. I’m sorry that you did. I, too, have had concern for your safety but you are obviously an intelligent woman making choices that are the right ones for you.